As I watched my brother wheel her out to my car, temporarily parked in the airport arrivals pickup line, I instantly felt shocked. 

This wasn’t the mother who’d gone off to Arizona a mere seven months ago. She was frail; her clothes hung off her the way my grown-up clothes cascade off my eight-year-old. Her hair, which she’d long colored a deep shade of red and had styled the same way since I was small, was a ratty, gray mess. Her nails, which she’d always kept perfectly rounded and manicured, were unpolished and ragged.

Even though I knew she’d declined, seeing her this way was jarring. And heartbreaking. 

If she had her wits about her, I knew she’d be mortified.

I first noticed the spottiness of her memory back in 2019 when she was diagnosed with a blood cancer disease called Myelodysplastic Syndrome (MDS). She’d had labs drawn and they’d come back wonky – her white blood cell count was too low – and we needed to make an appointment with a hematologist. 

During that time, I’d been hyper-focused on all the responsibilities and joys that come along with raising 3 small children (twins and a singleton). Though she lived alone and I often worried about that – my dad died when I was just 27 – I assumed my mom had everything regarding her health and medical care under control. But in 2019 when I went into her medical chart to reach out to her primary care physician for a referral, I couldn’t find one. When I asked her who she saw, she couldn’t remember; then she named a doctor I knew she hadn’t seen since I was a child. 

I decided to take control, the same way I do with my own children’s care. 

It was that day I became a member of the Sandwich Generation.

I remember vividly the day I locked myself into one of the private rooms at my coworking space and made phone calls to all the doctors my mother had seen over the last 5 years trying to determine which one was her primary. I utilized the wall-hanging whiteboard to draw a diagram – my mom in the middle with several outward spokes pointing to every doctor and medical facility she’d visited, similar to what you might see on a detective show.

It took me all day to sort it out. I promised her that either I or one of my four older siblings would accompany her to every doctor’s appointment going forward. This was to offer her support, yes, but also because I was beginning to realize she needed our ears and minds – she needed us to hear and record the important information each doctor was going to share. 

That evening, I was emotionally exhausted. I sat with my husband on our bed, and the tears began rolling until I was blinded by them. 

I was completely overwhelmed. 

Caregiving for my elderly mother and young children felt completely untenable.

How was I going to manage this – my mother’s impending needs and care – as well as my own children’s? My kids, then 7, 4, and 4, needed their mom. They were my top priority, but now… now my mom needed me too. 

Desperately. 

And I felt physically sick. How was I going to do this? 

“One foot in front of the other,” offered my husband as he held me close. “That’s all you can do. And you’re not alone in this. I’m here to support you and our family. Always. We can do this.” 

I’d always been grateful for him, but in that moment, my gratitude was tenfold. We always joked that together we were The Force, but on that night, I knew it was true. 

The very next week, my brother and I brought my mom to her first appointment with her new oncologist. 

“This type of blood cancer turns into acute myeloid leukemia,” said Dr. Warlick. “If we do nothing, we’re probably looking at three years of life left. Maybe less.” 

Our hearts sank. Three years? How was that even possible? She was so young – and I wasn’t ready to be parentless.

“And if we do something?” I asked. 

“Well, we can do an aggressive type of chemo,” she went on. “Your mom will have to come in a couple of times a week for her treatment, and we’ll follow her blood work closely to see if there are any changes. If she were younger and healthy, we’d look at a bone marrow transplant, but considering her age and the fact she’s been a lifelong smoker, she’s just not a candidate for that.” 

We chose to do the chemo and, after several months, she miraculously went into remission. Even her oncologist was surprised. “I don’t know how long this will last,” she said, “This type of cancer is terminal. It will come back. But until then, go enjoy life.”

But something happened while my siblings and I were taking my mom to all her labs and doctor’s appointments; we noticed something equally as life-threatening and terrifying as her MDS. She was often forgetful and confused. And not just a little bit, but very much so. 

Since my dad passed away in 2007, she’d been more reclusive than she ever was; she was also becoming exceptionally paranoid and wary of those around her. She spent so much time alone. 

I began to notice that she’d make up stories, which, to this day, I’m not sure if she knew were false or if she thought they were truly reality. But this was different. These new stories she was telling were far more outlandish and bizarre.

We also began to notice how she’d ask the same questions multiple times within a short conversation. She started calling me in the evenings confused, unsure what medications she was supposed to take and when, and what her plans were for the following day. And I was shocked by the mess I’d see when I’d visit her at home because she had always been a consummate neat freak.

Being disorganized, messy, and – gasp! – dirty was simply NOT in her DNA. I think perhaps this tipped me off more than anything. Yet I didn’t know how to bring it up to her. I knew if I accused her of being forgetful, she’d become defensive. But then, one day, the opportunity arose. 

We were in my car on our way home from one of her medical appointments when she said, “Marissa, I’m noticing that my mind isn’t working as well as it used to. I asked someone – a doctor friend of mine – at the golf club if I should be worried, and he said it’s normal, that all old people forget things now and then.” 

But I took this opportunity to discuss the subject without her becoming offended or angry at me for doing so. 

“Mom, it’s interesting you say that. Actually – I’ve been noticing it a little bit too. Hey – would you mind if I made an appointment for you with a ‘memory doctor’? Someone who can help us determine if this is normal aging, or maybe if it’s something more?” 

It was out of character for her, but since her cancer diagnosis, she’d been far more amenable to these types of requests from me. 

“Okay,” she agreed. “That sounds like a good idea.” 

When we first met her memory doctor, who was a geriatrician specializing in Alzheimer’s/Dementia, I was exceptionally nervous. I didn’t want to hear the news that I knew deep in my gut was true. She gave my mom a series of cognitive tests – one that was verbal, one in which she had to draw pictures and complete a written exam – followed by drawing blood for pertinent labs (the MRI came a few weeks later). 

At the end of the appointment, Dr. Smith explained to us as gently as she could that she thought my mom was in the early stages of Dementia. 

This was a gut punch. Even though I’d already known it was true – it didn’t lessen the blow of those words. Your mom is in the early stages of Dementia.

I kept a brave face and held my voice steady. I knew I needed to be strong for my mom. But on that drive home, I was a mess. Rambling on and on about things that didn’t matter, just trying to avoid the topic at hand – the one we both felt like the weight of 12 boulders. 

Dementia. 

I tried to hold it together that evening at home. I didn’t want to burden my children with my pain and panic – or let on how scared I was that perhaps one day this terrifying fate would befall me. To cope, I tried my best to focus my energy on them – playing games, drawing, reading books – but in the moments of silence and stillness, the tears pricked my eyes. 

Over the next several weeks, we completed the necessary tasks one must do when a parent or family member is diagnosed with dementia. We filled out the important paperwork – POA (power of attorney), advanced directives, and so on – and tried our best to plan for an unpredictable future. For now, she was OK living alone, driving, and enjoying her day-to-day activities, but I knew it was only a matter of time. 

I’m a type-A planner who likes to be in control, but there was no planning for or controlling this. And without the ability to plan and check things off a to-do list, my anxiety spiraled. 

As the months went on, my mom’s cancer remained in remission… but, as it does, her dementia worsened. We faced the hard truth – the truth that she didn’t want to accept. Driving was now unsafe – she’d been getting lost far more often – and spending the days on her own was equally as hazardous. We realized she needed a higher level of care.

My siblings and I could no longer be her sole caregivers.

She accepted this, which surprised me, but she refused to let her helper move in with her because she so deeply valued her privacy and space. We went along with this, even though I knew it was the wrong choice. But she was becoming unsteady on her feet and the clutter in her home was growing out of control and posed a fall hazard for her. Not to mention, a pack-a-day smoker, I constantly feared she’d burn the house down. 

My endless worry impacted my parenting. My brain was constantly churning with fears, thoughts, and tasks about my mom and my kids. I kept an ongoing to-do list with three columns: Kids, Mom, and Work. I always felt like I was dropping the ball somewhere: not able to make it to someone’s play at school; not able to take my mom to an important appointment; not able to complete a deadline for work; no energy left to connect with my husband, and so on, and so forth. I was breaking; pouring everything, all the time, from an empty cup. 

The empty cup well known to those in the sandwich generation.

Last April, while my mom was in Arizona for the winter, everything changed in an instant. 

It was an evening after her caregiver had left for the day. She was outside, likely having a cigarette, when she walked down toward the end of her driveway. She tripped on the driveway’s lip, fell hard to the ground… and broke her hip. 

Miraculously, a neighbor spotted her and ran to her side. The neighbor grabbed her cell phone, found my brother’s contact information, and called him to tell him what had happened. He called her caregiver, who called 911 when he arrived. At the hospital, she was admitted and prepped for surgery. 

I’ve often heard that a hip break for the elderly can be the kiss of death. My mom herself used to tell me this when I was small as she stressed the importance of drinking milk to strengthen my bones, but I didn’t realize just how severely she would decline after this incident. 

Between her immobility, the change to her environment and routine, the surgery, new medications, and the inability to smoke, my mom’s dementia increased tenfold. It was like she aged 10 years within one week. 

From the hospital, she was moved into a rehab facility to continue physical therapy and strengthen her hip – this caused her to decline even further. It was another change; another shift in routine, another unfamiliar location. 

My siblings and I knew we had to make a decision quickly. She was no longer safe to live alone with only daytime help. Either we were going to hire her 24/7 care, which is hard to find and quite expensive, or we had to move her into a memory care facility. 

With little time to figure it out, we frantically began researching and touring facilities. It was scary, stressful, and sad… but ultimately, memory care was the right thing for her. 

Yet, I could not shake the heavy guilt I felt at doing this. “She would hate this,” I kept saying to my family. “I know she would rather die than move into one of these facilities.” 

We all agreed – but honestly – we didn’t know what else to do. 

Those days were some of the hardest of my life. I was managing her care from afar, speaking to her physical therapists, physicians, and caregivers multiple times a day, touring assisted living homes, packing up her necessary items for her impending move, filling out all the paperwork required to move her into a facility, all while fielding angry calls from her about strangers holding her against her will and stealing her cigarettes. All of this while trying to parent my kids and keep myself from physically, mentally, and emotionally drowning. 

On one particularly rough May morning, I’d gotten to my daughter’s school just in time for her grade’s orchestra performance. I was so grateful for the respite, to sit there in the comfort of the plush auditorium chair next to friends, and do nothing other than revel in the sounds of these talented 4th grade performers. 

When it was over, after I’d congratulated my sweetheart and hugged her and my friends goodbye, I hopped on a Zoom call with my siblings from the car. We were discussing the details of my mom’s move – who would do what and when. We were butting up against a deadline; she was returning from Arizona in a few days, and we had to have everything ready to go. 

The plan was to have her room at the memory care facility completely ready and to move her in straight from picking her up at the airport. We weren’t going to tell her it was a memory care, but rather a rehab facility she’d live at until her hip improved. I hated every part of this entire situation – lying to her, moving her into memory care, everything. I felt like I was betraying her on the deepest level, and it completely broke my heart. 

All of a sudden, likely between the constant stress, lack of sleep, and total overwhelm, the emotional and physical magnitude of what we were discussing became too much to bear. I began crying hysterically. I could not stop. My patient siblings waited for me to calm down and breathe. Unlike me, their kids were older – they were empty nesters – and didn’t have the pressures of also caring for three little people at home. 

In addition, I was my mom’s only biological child – her “flesh and blood” as she often called me. She was their stepmom. Which, by the way, didn’t mean she loved them any differently or less. She raised them like they were her own, and they all cared for each other deeply. I just, I don’t know, felt this immense pain and guilt that I – not them, but I – was letting her down… letting my dad down, too.  

It was my second eldest brother and his wife who’d agreed to fly down to Arizona and bring her home. This was no easy feat – one I’ll be indebted to them for doing for the rest of my life. 

As I watched my brother, beads of sweat dripping down his forehead after the long, arduous day of traveling with someone who cannot physically travel or cognitively remember where she is or where she is going at any given moment, hoist her into the front seat when I picked them up at the airport, I realized how far gone she was. 

In that instant, my heart shattered into a million fragments. 

She was no longer the same mother who raised me. She was small, disheveled, confused, and broken. I realized our roles had reversed. I was the caregiver now, and she was one in need of tenderness and protection. I wasn’t sure how, but I was going to have to figure out how to manage this sandwich – caring for my children, while also caring for her. Four needy people. I wasn’t quite sure yet where care of myself, my marriage, or any of the other facets of my life, would fit in, but I knew it all had to be part of this hefty multilayered sandwich. 

And as I drove her to her new home, the memory care facility, I played her a Spotify mix I’d created for her when she was first diagnosed with dementia. It was a myriad of her favorite songs, stemming from her childhood to the present – from the Mills Brothers and Andrews Sisters to Billy Joel’s and Rihanna’s greatest hits. She’d always loved music, and I’d read that along with scents, music can help patients with dementia feel calm and spark memories. 

I saw her clapping her hand against her lap to the beat. She had a soft smile on her face as she bopped her head gently back and forth. I had a quick flashback to sitting in the passenger seat while she drove, windows down, the two of us belting out the lyrics to whatever our favorite song at that moment happened to be. 

She may not have been the same mother, but I took solace in knowing that some things would never change.

……….  

Fast forward a bit, last January we moved my mom out of that facility, about 8 months after moving her in. It simply wasn’t the right fit, and she wasn’t being cared for in the way we’d hooped. We searched for a new place and found a lovely home with fewer residents and more of a community feel. The transition went much smoother than I thought it would, and it’s clear we made the right decision.

Though her dementia is worsening, she is thriving. She’s socializing much more, enjoys the kind staff, is eating well, and generally seems happy. It’s the best-case scenario in an otherwise difficult situation. 

As for me, I’m doing my best to take it day by day, and learning how to better take care of myself, my family, and my mom while not constantly burning the candle at both ends. I don’t have this completely figured out – it’s a definite work-in-progress – but for others also wedged in the middle of this impossible generational sandwich, here’s what is helping me… perhaps it can help you too.

• Release the guilt. You’re doing the very best you can. Know that. When it comes to dementia, my mother doesn’t remember things from one moment to the next. So the only person who feels awful when I can’t visit as often as I want to is me. She’s just happy when I show up, for however long I’m able to be there. I was killing myself trying to get there several times a week and each weekend, but with young kids, my work, my marriage, and my own needs, it became emotionally and physically overwhelming.
  
• Prioritize. Yes, You can do many things, but you cannot do everything, and certainly not all at the same time. I decided that my kids and family had to come first. So on any given day, if both needed me, I made the choice to attend to my kids first, and then my mom. While this isn’t always possible, it’s what I strive for.
  
• Ask for help. During the tougher periods of moving my mom back home and into her memory care facility, and again moving her into her second memory care facility, I had to ask for help. My husband stepped up and helped a ton, and we had to enlist our babysitter too. If you have someone you can lean on during those tough moments – a neighbor, friend, partner, caregiver, family member – do it.
  
• Reserve the right to change your mind. If the type of care you initially choose for your loved one isn’t working — whether it’s living with you, in a memory care facility, a nursing home or an assisted living community, etc. — just know you can change course when you see fit. When we realized the place we’d moved my mom into wasn’t right for her, my siblings and I decided to research more places and find a better fit. Though the idea of moving her again seemed completely overwhelming, it went far better than we expected, and the outcome was positive. She’s much happier in her new home, and we are too.
  
• Self-care. It felt impossible to squeeze in time for myself, and often still does, but the things that helped me the most were going to therapy, journaling, being physically active each day, attempting to eat as healthy as possible (not an easy feat for me!), and sneaking in time with friends.

For those of you in a similar boat, you’re not alone. It isn’t easy. It’s stressful, emotional, guilt-inducing, and so much more. But please give yourself as much grace, love, and compassion as possible. 

I’m sending all my hugs and love to you as we navigate life in the sandwich generation. While it’s been a difficult road, I’m also incredibly grateful that I can be here for her in her time of need, just like she’s always been for me.  

Marissa Bader is now a writer and author of children’s books, including The Only Me, Stella’s Brave Voice and Petunia the Perfectionist, which debuts in August 2024. Connect with her on Instagram.

Stella’s Brave Voice: Twin sisters, Stella and Paige are different in a lot of ways – especially when it comes to how much they like to talk. Stella’s always been okay with being the quiet one . . . until now. Suddenly, Stella has something to say. But can she find a way to make her own voice heard over Paige’s? And will learning to use her own brave voice hurt Paige’s feelings—and their special relationship?

The post The Sandwich Generation appeared first on Lucie's List.

Stella and Paige are very different, yet are always being compared and contrasted by almost everyone around them. This impacts Stella greatly; she begins to feel frustrated and insecure – like she doesn’t measure up to her sister, Paige. Yes, they are twins, but they are not the same person. 

Stella wishes people would see her for who she is, and not just as “Stella and Paige,” or as “one of the twins.” The Only Me follows Stella along her journey as she begins to recognize her own amazing strengths, and despite what others may say, learns to embrace and value herself as the unique individual she is. 

As parents (of multiples, but perhaps of singletons, too!), I’m sure many of you can appreciate the message in this book – and I’m also sure you can relate to why I was inspired to write it: 

From the time my now 6-year-old fraternal twins were born, people often referred to them as “the twins” rather than by their individual names – as if they weren’t whole without the other. Soon, being “the twins,” as opposed to Mila and Grace, became their entire identity. This, compounded by people constantly comparing them to one another (both physically and mentally), led them to feel frustrated, unseen, confused about their own identity, and inferior to one another. 

The Only Me started out as a book just about twins – in fact, it was originally titled The Twins Who Were Different – but in an article I wrote last year for Lucie’s List about the importance of treating siblings like their own people, I realized the message of the book (embracing differences; honoring our strengths; loving and being proud of ourselves for who we are) applied to all children, not just multiples.

While researching that article, I learned that, even though they tend to look alike and share similar cognitive abilities, siblings actually aren’t much more similar than any two strangers in the world. Whhhaaa?! That blew my mind and gave me even more of an incentive to write the book. I also learned that when we treat our kids like individuals, we show them how much we honor and respect them for exactly who they are. In turn, this helps boost their self-confidence and sense of identity. 

I mean, wow, right?! What an incredible opportunity and responsibility we have as caregivers — to help grow and shape our children’s sense of value and self-esteem! 

The Only Me is a reminder to all of us that treating each of our children as the unique people they are, and praising their individual pursuits and personalities, goes a long way in helping them feel respected, loved and secure. And again, although this book is meant for everyone, I wrote it with twins in mind  – whether fraternal or identical – who, naturally, are often lumped together and viewed as one unit, as mine often are. 

I hope you’ll read the book with your children and let me know if and how it resonates. I’d also love for you to share with me some of the ways in which your multiples are similar and different. And, with your permission, I’d love to share your experiences in an upcoming article about the topic. Feel free to email me at marissa@lucieslist.com. 

Thanks so much, everyone! Cheers to you and your multiples. 

xo,
Marissa 

The post Your Twins are Not the Same Person appeared first on Lucie's List.

Yep, seasonal depression is reeeeal, y’all.

If you’d like to beat the winter blues and put these negative thoughts to rest, you need to maintain your mental health throughout the colder months. In addition to therapy, you can use everyday tools to boost our moods and fight off anxiety. From journals to stress balls to elixirs, here are the things that help us recenter ourselves and find peace of mind, even in stressful situations. What is your go-to? Tell us in the comments below.

Let That Sh*t Go Journal ~$9

A sassy journal with writing prompts to help you let sh*t go and enjoy your life more fully (without all the BS).

Essential Oil Diffuser ~$35

Fill with water and a few drops of your favorite oil(s) (this is my favorite brand) to create personalized, beautiful aromas throughout your home. My go-to’s are lemon and lavender. Mmmm.

Blank Journal ~$17

I always keep a blank journal on hand — usually in the drawer of my nightstand — so I can write and work through alllll my feelings and emotions whenever they become overwhelming. Journaling is my most helpful mental health tool; since I was a little girl I’ve always said that I don’t know what I truly think or feel until I write it down.

Anima Mundi Happiness Tonic ~$25

One drop a day keeps the anxiety away? I wish it were that simple… but these magical drops do help calm my nervous system and give me an overall peace of mind.

Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown ~$18

My therapist recommended this book to help me explore all the different emotions that may be arising when I feel anxious or am dealing with conflicts (which can bring on a lot of anxiety for me). It’s been quite eye-opening. ~Charlene

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab ~$16

And my therapist recommended this book to me! Learn how to set healthy boundaries, say “no” to people and things that deplete you, and “yes” to yourself. This book was a game-changer for me. ~ Marissa

DownDog Yoga App ~$10/month or $60/year

This yoga app allows you to practice yoga on your own terms — every class is fully customizable, and my favorite thing about it is that you can set up any kind of class for any length of time, because sometimes you just need a quick 10-15 minute reset. ~Brit

Weighted Blanket ~$109

If you’ve never tried one of these before, TRY ONE. They are so soothing and calming… ~Brit

The Chopra App ~$69/year

Deepak Chopra’s voice in and of itself is enough to calm my nerves, but this app is equally as helpful. It’s chock full of meditations (that you can personalize for whatever you need) and tips and tools to increase self-love and well-being. ~Marissa

Art of Tea, Flow ~$21

A friend of mine gifted me this herbal tea, and I am obsessed. I usually enjoy it while winding down at night. This loose-tea blend is specifically to calm and balance, and some of the ingredients are known to keep cardiovascular disease at bay. Sipping Flow makes me feel warm and healthy! Plus look how pretty… ~Charlene

Stress Balls (or any fidget!) ~ $8

If you’re a tactile person, a fidget to mess around with can really calm your nerves. I like a good stress ball and my children’s PopIts! Hehe. ~Charlene

5 Sense Mindfulness Exercise

When I’m in therapy and I get overwhelmed about a thought or question, my therapist guides me through this exercise where I have to list 3 things I see, 3 things I hear, 3 things I feel, and so on. This helps me get back in the moment (as opposed to being stuck in my intrusive thoughts). ~Charlene

Affirmation Cards ~$14

Need a prompt to remind you what to focus on during a mentally challenging moment? These cards can be a good tool to recenter your mind onto the positive. ~Charlene

What are your favorite go-to’s when you need a mental health boost? Tell us in the comments below.

Happy Mental Health Month, parents. Take good care of YOU!!

The post Mental Health Love List appeared first on Lucie's List.

This is normal. 

While siblings often resemble one another and certainly share some traits, such as a love of Gramma’s Sunday morning waffles with whipped cream or Vikings Football (sorry, I’m from Minnesota… ), brothers and sisters can actually be quite different from one another. 

Yet even so, we tend to be surprised by our children’s differences. Though my kids are being raised by the same set of parents, in the same home and with the same set of rules, I am continuously blown away by how opposite my trio is (and two of them are twins! More on that later…). They have completely different personalities, interests, strengths and more. HOW are they so different? 

Back in the 1980’s, researcher Robert Plomin discovered that, even though they tend to look alike and share somewhat similar cognitive abilities, siblings aren’t much more alike than any two strangers in the world – especially when it comes to personality traits (like how extroverted or introverted you are, or whether you are easygoing or more high strung). 

But Why are Siblings So Different? 

According to NPR, siblings only share the same personality traits about 20 percent of the time. There are a few theories about why this is so: 

1. Divergence. We are hardwired NOT to directly compete with our siblings, and so we tend to unconsciously and inherently differentiate from them. For instance, one of my twins is super into dance, while the other has focused her energy on soccer. As a result, they do not have to directly fight for our praise and attention and are in fact more apt to cheer each other on at their individual pursuits. Doesn’t nature work in beautiful ways? Of course, it doesn’t always work out this way — just look at Venus and Serena…

2. Non-shared environment theory differentiates between “shared” environments (like the home they live in, the parents who raise them, etc.) and “non-shared” environments (like friend groups, teachers and so on) — and proposes that the latter can have a huge influence on how we differ from our brothers and sisters. This theory also takes into account the fact that each person tends to experience the same environment in different ways. Based on this theory, though siblings may be raised by the same caregivers and in the same home (“shared environment”), their individual experiences (and interpretations of those experiences) within and outside of that environment won’t always be the same.

3. Exaggeration, which essentially posits that even when there are slight differences between siblings, families (and kids themselves) tend to exaggerate these dissimilarities as a way to differentiate them. An example given by NPR states that when two children are both social, yet one may not be quite as outgoing as the other, the family may label that child as the “shy” or “introverted one.” Even though they may not be introverted at all, in comparison to their sibling(s), they seem more so, which can then lead that child to adopt this label as part of their identity for the rest of their life, whether accurate or not. 

Why is it Important to Treat Our Kids Like Individuals? 

Sure, our love for each of our children may be equal, but that doesn’t mean we should interact with and treat them in the same way. Even if your kids are alike, they are still different people, and it’s crucial to treat them like the individuals they are — to honor and value each of them and the unique contributions they make to the family and to the world around them. 

When we treat our children like individuals, we show them that we honor and appreciate them for who they are; in turn, this helps boost their sense of identity, confidence, pride and self-assurance. 

On the contrary, when we compare our kids to one another (“Joey is so well-behaved, why can’t you be more like him?” Or, “Try to swing the racquet just like Sara — her swing is perfect!”) or treat them like carbon copies of each other, we ultimately contribute to eroding their sense of identity and self-worth. Furthermore, comparing siblings can pit them against each other and create unhealthy and detrimental competitiveness between them. Remember, parents, that at the end of the day, each child is always competing for your time, attention, praise and love — comparing them only amplifies the rivalry. 

Finally, our children (like all humans) each have different needs, and we must tailor our parenting style to meet them. For instance, one of my children needs big, tight squeezes to feel safe during a tantrum, while another one needs her space to breathe and calm down. Likewise, one of my kids appreciates when I clap and cheer for her during soccer games, while the other one feels embarrassed and prefers I praise her privately after the game. One kiddo likes when I talk calmly and softly to her, while the other only listens if I speak loudly and with lots of animated hand gestures (crazy, but true!).  

Also, keep in mind that “different needs” encompasses everything from support and love to discipline, food, sleep, and setting boundaries. How many of us have one kiddo who is a total stickler for the rules and another who literally steps over lines on purpose?

Tips for Treating Your Kids Like Individuals

1. Don’t compare them. “Amy got ready for school so much faster than you today; why can’t you be as focused as your sister?” Comments like these feel belittling to children and can make them feel insecure and like you love one more than the other. Ouch.
2. Praise them. Make sure you are praising each of your children for their own unique talents, skills and abilities. This goes a long way in helping to build their confidence, sense of self and purpose. By doing so, you also show them that you value them for who they are. 
3. Family fun! Get silly with each other! Here are some ideas: family movie night (popcorn and blanket forts make it even more fun!), a game of flag football, Sunday morning brunch, game night, cooking a meal together, etc. Simply having a good time together relieves stress, releases feel-good endorphins, and helps promote sibling and parental bonding.  Let your kids take turns choosing the family fun activity. It gives each kiddo the opportunity to pick an activity that suits their personality best — and the entire family honors that and participates. 
4. Respect each child’s unique needs. According to the Middlesex Health, “Treating your children uniformly isn’t always practical. For example, instead of buying your children the same gifts to avoid conflict, consider buying them different gifts that reflect their individual interests. Instead of signing up all of your children for soccer or piano lessons, ask for their input.” As challenging as it can be, take the time to get to know each of your children individually, and figure out what makes them tick. Then, treat, respond to, and parent your child accordingly. 

5. Respect and honor their differences.  Let each kid be who they are. One of my girls loves to wear frilly dresses and fancy shoes, while the other two prefer pants and sneakers. One wants to do gymnastics all day long, another prefers to kick the soccer ball around, while still another could sit and color quietly for hours. I try not to comment on it and just let them be their unique, individual selves – to celebrate their differences. 
6. Remind each child what makes them special. Whether you add this to your bedtime routine or start the day talking about it with each of your children, telling your kids what you love about each of them — and having them tell you what they love about themselves — is a great way to remind them that you value them, as well as encourage them to be proud of and honor who they are. 
7. Spend time alone with each child. In our house, each child gets a special “date” with me and/or my husband where they get to choose the activity and get 1:1 uninterrupted time to do whatever they enjoy most (we aim to do this every month, or every couple of months, as our family’s schedule allows). This way, each kiddo feels loved and special, gets to participate with us in the activity of their choosing, and doesn’t feel like they constantly have to compete with their siblings for our undivided time and attention. 

Got Twins?

It can be extremely difficult to help twins or multiples develop their own sense of self and identity. Twins — especially pairs who are identical — are often thought of as one “unit” and referred to as “The Twins” (especially when people can’t tell them apart). This is so harmful to their sense of identity, self-esteem, self-worth, and individual development. Twins, like all siblings, need to have the opportunity to develop their own sense of self, separate from their womb-mates. 

This article in Psychology Today is chock full of helpful tips on treating twins like individuals. In addition, as a mom to a set of 5-year-old fraternal twins (at time of publish), here are some helpful things I’ve learned along the way:

1. On their birthdays, they each get their own cake (advice given to me by a dear friend who is an identical twin herself).
2. Remind friends and family often of their unique differences, personality traits, passions and skill sets. 
3. Let them choose their own clothes — if they want to dress alike, great; but don’t force them to wear matching outfits. 
4. If you have the space, consider giving them their own rooms… then, as they get older, let them decorate their rooms in a way that matches their individual style and personalities. 
5. Allow them to participate in the activities they enjoy most — don’t force them to do the same things simply because it’s easier (and believe me — it IS easier!).
6. When it comes to toys, don’t feel like you need to buy them the exact same things — steer your gift choices toward their individual interests and personalities. 
7. When it comes time, consider separating them in school if that works best for your duo and your family. 
8. Don’t compare them. Ever. 
9. Praise and celebrate what makes each of them special! 

Parenting is certainly no easy feat, but one of the most challenging aspects of parenting, when you have multiple children, is to figure out how to treat brothers and sisters individually and meet their unique needs. 

But therein also lies the beauty of being a parent: we, as caregivers, have the incredible opportunity to help foster within our kids a strong sense of self and confidence. From the time they are babies, we are granted the colossal honor (and responsibility) of helping them discover what makes them so special and one-of-a-kind. And that’s amazing. 

We’d love to hear from you. What are some of the biggest differences between your children, and how do you tailor your parenting style to meet their needs? Please share your stories with us in the comments below.

The post Raising Kids to Be Individuals — The Importance of Treating Each Child Uniquely appeared first on Lucie's List.

Without further ado, here are our top water play picks organized by category. Enjoy! 

Water Toys

Water Squirters ~ $15

Kids can use this 3-pack of colorful water squirters at the beach, pool, or in the backyard (fill ‘em up in the sink or a bucket). Just don’t get in the line of fire without having a squirter to retaliate with! BTW, one thing we love about these squirters is that they’re not actual “water guns.”

Reusable Water Balls ~ $23

Disposable water balloons are on their way to becoming a thing of the past — and that’s a good thing since they are so bad for the environment. These reusable water balloons are more environmentally friendly and don’t leave a latex mess behind for you to pick up. The set-up is as easy as can be: simply soak these super soft water balls in water, and you’re ready to play! This set comes with 50 red, green and blue balls, plus a carrying case for easy transport to the pool, beach, a friend’s house, etc. Made of water-absorbent cotton, these balls are soft enough that they won’t hurt when kids pelt them at each other.

Water Tables

Little Tikes Water Table ~ $varies

Let your little ones make a splash (and stay cool all summer long) with Little Tikes’ water tables. Their tables feature various activities, like spinning gear, funnels and more.

Sand and Water Table ~ $120

Doesn’t get much simpler than this — just fill one side with sand and the other with water, and your kids will be set for hours of splashy and sandy fun. We love that it comes with an umbrella to provide some shade. Bonus: you won’t mind displaying this beautifully constructed metal and wooden table in your yard. Bonus, bonus: it moonlights as a picnic table. 

Sprinklers & Splash Pads

Bonus: Splash pads & baby pools can be used as ball pits in the winter months! 

Elephant Splash Pad ~ $21

This is a sprinkler and splash pad in one! Not only does water spray from the rim of the pool, but it also shoots out from the elephant’s nose. 

3-in-1 Sprinkler, Splash Pad & Pool ~ $25

Similar to the above pick, this cute dino-themed inflatable is a sprinkler, splash pad and baby pool all in one. It’s big enough to fit about 3-4 small kiddos… or maybe two parents and some margaritas!  

Rainbow Inflatable Sprinkler ~ $95

Together rain and sunshine make… a rainbow! Your kids will love running through the colorful archways of this rainbow as water sprinkles down on them from above. 

Baby Pools & Floats

A note — remember that even kiddie pools are a drowning hazard, so keep that in mind if you set one up.

Also, a tip — this is *NOT CDC-approved, but adding a little bit of bleach to your pool water will keep the water clean and fresh WAY longer. 

Baby Pool Float ~ $32

My kids loved this float when they were smaller. It’s such a fun, easy and stress-free way to swim with your little one. I also love the overhead canopy which helps protect baby’s sensitive skin from the sun. Bonus: it includes an activity center with a rattle, teether, squeaker, stacking rings and soft touch star. Your kid won’t ever want to get out of the water! 

Minnidip Inflatable Pool ~ $varies

These Minnidip kiddie pools are as adorable as they are fun! These are seriously perfect for those sweltering hot days! Oh– and they can also definitely fit two adults with margaritas. 

Slides 

Triple Slip n Slide ~ $40

Up to 3 kids can race down this slip n’ slide and land in the splash pool at the end! Gets extra slippery due to the slide’s built-in sprinklers. I may or may not have raced my kids on this one last summer…

Intex Inflatable Water Slide ~ $93

This safar-themed inflatable water slide comes with two surf riders for added slippery fun!

Rainforest Waterfall Water Slide & Bounce House ~ $689

This Rainforest-themed water slide, obstacle course & bounce house will keep kiddos (and adults?!) entertained for HOURS! From the giraffe entrance to the zebra tunnel to the pop-up jungle-themed obstacles and climbing wall, to the splash pool landing, what kid wouldn’t have a blast playing with this? Includes air blower for easy and convenient inflation. Something to note (and be prepared for!): at 7.5 feet high and 9 feet wide, this bad boy takes up some space. Just make sure you have the room for it before you purchase. 

Miscellaneous Water Play

Waterfall Discovery Wall ~ $60

This one’s for the little water lovers. This is a double-sided water wall that multiple kiddos can play with at once. Comes with 13 different toys, including little buckets for kids to scoop up water, and send it down the water wall maze; they’ll love watching the water cascade through the spinners, funnels and cups. Bonus: to keep things interesting, you can rearrange the water maze pieces so the water takes different paths each time. 

H2O GO Color Splash Inflatable Water Blobz ~ $40

My “mom friends” and I were obsessed with this thing last summer. Fill the blob with water to create a slippery, bouncy surface to jump around on or lay on. You can also connect it to a garden hose so water will spray all over the blob making it extra slippery! 

That’s it! We hope you found some water play toys and activities here to keep you and your kids cool and having fun during those sizzling hot summer months. If all else fails, just pull out the hose and spray. HA! 

On that note, ready, set… splash! 

The post The Best Water Play Toys for 2024 appeared first on Lucie's List.

Hi friends! 

Raise your hand if you’re ready to have some FUN with your partner?! Do you want to go out on actual dates with him/her (like — without your kids, and OUT of the house?!)? Do you want to improve your physical and emotional connection with each other? If you answered YES to any of these questions, then we have the perfect challenge for you.  

If you’ve read our past article about how to pandemic-proof your marriage/relationship, you know all about the eight dates that relationship experts Drs. John & Julie Gottman came up with to help couples build stronger, healthier, spicier and more meaningful relationships. Well get excited because we’re hosting an Eight Dates Challenge (#8DatesChallenge) to help you bring the sizzle and spice back into your love life. Though we wrote these posts in the midst of the pandemic, all of it is still very relevant. When becoming parents, couples often see a shift in their love life — the many stressors that come with caring for a baby can make it hard to connect. So get outta those sweats (we know it’s hard — do it anyway!), pop a bottle of bubbly, and get ready to reignite that romantic spark.

What is this challenge? 

Our challenge follows the weekly date and conversation themes laid out in the Gottmans’ book Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. They are based on the eight topics that, according to the Gottmans, matter most to the overall health of a relationship. 

Date/Conversation Themes

As mentioned, the date/convo themes are based on the topics that the Gottmans have found matter most to the overall health of a relationship. They include:  

• Trust and commitment — Is your relationship built on trust? How do you make each other feel safe and loved? 
• Conflict — Not all conflict is bad. How do you manage differences and conflict in your relationship?
• Sex — Do you have different desires? Sexual needs? Do you know what turns the other on? 
• Money — Do you have a shared financial goal? How much money is “enough” for each of you?  
• Family — How many kids do you each want? What values do you want to instill in your children? What family experiences are important to you both? 
• Fun and adventure — Playfulness keeps a relationship fun! Do you make time for play and adventures together? 
• Growth and spirituality — What are your values and beliefs? Are they similar or do they differ?  
• Dreams — Do you each support the other in achieving your goals? Do you honor each other’s dreams?  

Keep in mind that “8 dates” doesn’t have to be a one time deal; people and relationships evolve over time — you can (and should!) continue to have these types of conversations throughout the course of your relationship. This challenge is just a way to start to build the habit. 

Cheers to reconnecting with your love and having fun along the way! 

Week 1: Trust & Commitment

Hi, friends! We’re so glad you’ve chosen to join us on our #8DatesChallenge. We’re totally in this with you and committed to strengthening our relationships, too. Let’s get started, shall we? 

Date Conversation & Goals

This week’s conversation is all about strengthening the level of trust and commitment in your relationship.

Before you each come together to discuss, think about how you think about trust and commitment in your relationship, and how you make each other feel safe and loved. You can jot it down on a piece of paper, so that when you come together, you can easily remember your thoughts and see if you each feel the same way, or if your ideas are different. 

During this conversation you and your partner can ask each other any questions pertaining to trust and commitment, but the Gottmans recommend some of the following:

• “How did your parents show their commitment to each other? How did they show a lack of commitment to each other? In your mind, what do these things in your family history mean for the two of us?”
• “Can you describe a time when you didn’t feel you trusted me, and what I could have done to fix the situation?”
• “What do you need from me to show that I am committed to this relationship?”
• “How are we similar and how are we different when it comes to trust and commitment? How can we accept these differences?”

Remember during your discussion to really listen to each other’s answers without judgment and with curiosity, pay close attention to what your partner says, and ask each other open-ended, follow-up questions to keep the conversation flowing. The book recommends that one partner coordinates the date, while the other trusts him/her to set it all up. It’s also suggested that you hold the date somewhere meaningful to your relationship. For instance, if you met at the beach, it would be a great idea to have this first date of the challenge there. Like any of the dates, you can also choose to have this date at home. The book suggests blindfolding each other and guiding the other person around the house as a trust exercise ;-). Good luck! 

What does trust and commitment mean to you? Head over to Instagram to tell us, and use the hashtag #8DatesChallenge when you post pics or updates! You can also drop us a line at marissa@lucieslist.com to tell us how it went! 

Week 2: Addressing Conflict 

Hi everyone! Now that you’ve defined trust and commitment, let’s talk about…. dum, dum, dum… conflict. Everybody’s (or at least my) least favorite thing. That said, some conflict is unavoidable, necessary and even serves a healthy purpose: to better understand each other. 

Conversation & Goals

Before this conversation begins, remember that many conflicts are actually not resolvable — these are called “perpetual problems.” In essence, the key here may be simply deciding which issues you can learn to live with, and which you can’t. 

In their book Eight Dates, the Gottmans explain that “recognizing a perpetual problem for what it is leads to accepting and valuing how each of you is different… accepting your partner for who they are. When you accept what you can’t change, you accept each other” (pg. 74). This ultimately will help you reach a place of deeper connection and understanding. That’s the good stuff, guys!  

During this conversation, you’ll learn about what you and your partner have in common, how you differ from one another (i.e. my husband is a total extrovert while I much prefer quiet time at home… cue conflict!), and how you manage the conflicts that arise from your differences. The book suggests holding this date in a quiet, peaceful place where you can speak privately.

The following are some suggested topics of discussion for this date, laid forth by the Gottmans in Eight Dates:

• “How are we the same and how are we different?”
• “How can we accommodate and accept the differences between us?”
• “Are there differences we cannot accept?” (i.e. differences in emotionality, wanting time together vs. apart or alone, optimal sexual frequency, how to approach household chores and childcare, ambition and value/importance of work, etc.).
  • Note that when it comes to these differences that are challenging to accept, the Gottmans encourage couples to “approach your differences with curiosity rather than correctness. Have a genuine desire to understand the stories that are underneath the issue” (pg. 85). 

• “How was conflict handled in your family growing up?” 
• “How do you feel about anger? How was it expressed in your family growing up?” 
• “How do you like to make up after a disagreement?”

The hope here is to get a genuine understanding of where you are both coming from during your disagreements and help you pinpoint which of your conflicts are solvable, which are bound to stick around for the long haul, and how you can learn to tolerate some level of disagreement in your relationship.

What’s one source of constant or recurring conflict between you and your partner? Remember to use the hashtag #8DatesChallenge if you post about the challenge on IG! Also, drop us a note at marissa@lucieslist.com to tell us how it’s going.

Week 3: Sex & Intimacy 

Hi, friends… are you ready to get hot up in herrrre?! Yeah, me neither. But let’s do it anyway… HA!

Date Conversation & Goals

Let’s do it… or at least talk about doing it! Even if this is truly uncomfortable for you, the goal of this date is to talk about sex, and to do so in a manner that conveys what feels good for you and your partner. When things are already getting hot and heavy, no one wants to stop and say, “hey honey — I don’t really like that.” Instead, talk about what works (and what doesn’t) before you hit the sheets. 

It should also come as no surprise that sex can be an area of disagreement between partners. In Eight Dates, the Gottmans say that in general, “Men think about sex more than women, and… ideally men want sex four to five times a week, and women one to two times” (pg. 102, 103). Sheesh. Not to mention, women desire and enjoy sex more when they feel emotionally connected to their partner. The same doesn’t always hold true for men. (I don’t need research to tell me this — HA!)

So what happens when your partner turns you down for sex? Well, according to the Gottmans, “if your partner doesn’t want to have sex, the most important thing is not to take it personally. In happy couples, there is no anger or defensiveness if one partner isn’t in the mood” (pg. 104).

Okay — now that we know all that, the goal is to be as open as possible during this conversation. If talking about sex makes you anxious, the Gottmans suggest writing down your ideas so you can read them to your partner, rather than discussing them off the cuff when you’re face-to-face. In addition to your notes, bring along your sense of vulnerability, passion and open-mindedness. Ooh la la! 

The Gottmans offer up some of the following questions to ask your partner on this date — remember to listen without judgment, and ask open-ended follow-up questions to keep the convo flowing:

• “Think about all the times we’ve had sex. What are some of your favorites? What about that time made it your favorite?”
• “What turns you on?”
• “What’s your favorite way for me to let you know I want to have sex?” 

Have fun with this one, couples! The book actually suggests having these talks naked! Yep, you read that right — totally In THA NUDE. If you feel comfortable with that — go for it! What better way to be vulnerable and deepen your level of intimacy than by baring it all?! 

Now, in the words of Marvin Gaye, “Let’s get it on….” 

Week 4: Work & Money

Welcome back, couples. Hope last week was a fun one for y’all! Now onto a not-as-fun (but super important) topic: work & money. 

The concepts of work and money can often cause stress and arguments in relationships — especially if your values around these concepts differ. When partners become parents, priorities around work and money tend to shift, which makes new parenthood a perfect time to revisit your shared goals, values, hopes and ideals around work and money. 

For instance, something many couples bicker about is when one person seems to “choose work” over the relationship or marriage. This is exacerbated if one partner is home with the child(ren), while the other is seemingly free to come and go as he/she pleases and live his/her life “normally.” 

In addition to this, as roles have shifted in families over the years, many couples now also argue about the “unpaid work load” — i.e. the division of household labor. This may also include child-rearing and, as mentioned above, may start to feel unfair when one partner seems to be doing more of the parenting work than the other. The pandemic seems to be amplifying this issue, in that many couples have been balancing working from home and parenting together all day every day for over a year. 

It’s crucial to a couple’s relational health to strike a good balance between work and home life, knowing that things will shift over time, and sometimes work (and household labor/child-rearing) will demand more of our attention, and other times less. 

According to the Gottmans in Eight Dates, “Often our identity, our purpose, and our self-worth can get tied into ‘what we do’ and this compels us to work long hours. But consistent long hours come at a price… you both may start to feel emotionally disconnected and this puts your relationship at risk” (pg. 127).  

In addition, it’s also important to explore each other’s personal history and ideology about money (spending, saving, how much is enough, etc.), power, wealth, philanthropy, etc. 

Conversation & Goals

During this conversation, you’re going to discuss your history with work and money, and what having “enough money” means to each of you. 

The end goal of this date is to begin to understand and respect each other’s values about money and work — even if they differ — and to create a shared financial goal that you can work toward together. The book suggests holding this date at a place that costs nothing or as little as possible (i.e a park, your backyard, etc.).

The following are some open-ended conversations the book Eight Dates suggests having around the concepts of work and money:

• “Share three things you appreciate about your partner’s contribution to the wealth of the relationship (paid or unpaid work).” 
• “What is your biggest fear around money?”
• “What do you need to feel safe talking about how you spend money or how you make money?”
• “What are your hopes and dreams about money?”

In the end, can you come up with a shared financial goal that meets both of your needs, or perhaps even little goals — milestones — you can work towards together to achieve your ultimate financial goal as a couple/family? 

Good luck, couples. You got this!

Week 5: Family 

Since you’re a Lucie’s List reader (hey, thanks for that, btw!), chances are you either already have children, or are trying to conceive. This conversation is about discussing how many children you want to have, as well as reflecting upon the roles each of you will play as parents and how you will maintain the ever-important romantic spark even as you’re consumed by new parenthood (i.e. diaper changes, late night feedings, sleep deprivation… you know, the fun stuff!).

One of the most important things you can do to protect (child-proof?!) your relationship after becoming parents is to continue to make each other a priority. I completely forgot this after my husband and I had our first child. I put our relationship on the back burner, even going so far as to say that getting a babysitter and going on dates was selfish because I assumed being a “good parent” meant spending every waking minute with our new child. The only thing that it did was cause major new parent burnout and a rift between me and my spouse. 

The Gottmans say that “there’s no doubt that children need, demand and deserve your love, time and attention, but this shouldn’t be at the expense of your primary relationship with each other” (Eight Dates, pg. 148). Remember that you and your partner are the base of your family… you need to remain solid so the rest of the “house” doesn’t come tumbling down.

Conversation and Goals

During this conversation, you’ll discuss what family means to each of you. If you haven’t yet had children, will you? How many kids do you want? How were the family dynamics when you grew up? 

Bring to this conversation ideas about what your ideal family looks like, and what roles you envision each of you playing as parents (now and in the future). Also, begin to think about how you’ll maintain closeness and intimacy — continuing to make each other a priority — even as you move through the various stages of parenthood.  

Here are some open-ended questions the Gottmans suggest asking each other: 

• “What are the ways in which your parents did or did not appear to maintain their closeness, love, and romance after having children?”
• “What do you think we will love about being parents together?”
• What characteristics or qualities of mine would you like our child to have?”

All in all, don’t forget to make each other a priority even after you have children; your relationship matters and is really the base of your family — keep the base strong and steady! 

Week 6: Fun & Adventure 

“Why so serious?” Sure we have to-do lists to complete, but honestly — playing and having fun together should be at the top of the list! In fact, according to a study conducted by the Center for Marital and Family Studies, “The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high and significant. The more you invest in fun and friendship and being there for your partner, the happier the relationship will get over time” (pg. 157). 

The cool part about being playful is that you can do it anytime… you can be silly and laugh together while you’re doing the dishes, running errands, or just hanging out. It’s not something you necessarily have to schedule time for.

That said, you can (and should!) also plan some dates together that are fun and adventurous as well — without your children. If you and your partner don’t find the same things exciting or playful, that’s OK (my husband would likely go skydiving in a heartbeat, while my idea of adventure is a round of mini golf). The key is to understand what drives both of you — what you each enjoy and find exhilarating — compromise and do some of those things together. 

Why is this so important? Because “in relationships where there’s no shared adventure of any kind, there’s a kind of deadness and lack of vitality that sets in. The relationship becomes a series of tasks. It becomes mundane. There’s no surprise you lose the spark that play and adventure naturally bring to the relationship” (Pg. 170).

Conversation & Goals

During this conversation, you’ll discuss how each of you likes to have fun (individually and as a couple) and how you can infuse more play and adventure into your relationship together. 

The end-goal of this date is to come up with three tangible ways you can have fun together (or go on adventures) within the next two weeks. The book suggests holding this date somewhere you’ve never been before — make it spontaneous and adventurous!

Some questions to ask each other on this date:

• “What does play/adventure mean to you?”
• What’s the most fun you’ve had playing in the last few years?”
• What’s a one-day adventure you could imagine us having together?”

Enjoy this one, guys! And most importantly, have fun on your upcoming adventures!

Week 7: Growth & Spirituality 

Hi, friends. Take a nice long deep, calming breath because this week we’re going to talk about growth and spirituality. 

This is where couples are able to create shared meaning and purpose in life. According to the Gottmans, “You create meaning when you meet each inevitable struggle in life together, and move and grow through its adversity. When you create meaning out of struggle, you stay together” (Eight Dates, pg. 187). 

This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to share the same religious beliefs or anything like that — it’s more about finding shared meaning through life’s obstacles.

Conversations & Goals

During this conversation, you’ll discuss what spirituality means to you, as well as how you’ve evolved (mentally, emotionally and spiritually) throughout the course of your relationship. 

You’ll determine your sense of shared meaning as a couple — what do the two of you find important? What are your values and beliefs? Have you been able to overcome challenges together and learn and grow from them? 

Then, together, you’ll come up with three new shared rituals for connecting with one another (i.e. weekly game night, taking an exercise class together, cooking a meal together once a week, doing a crossword puzzle together, weekly date night, etc.), and begin to implement them. Hold this date somewhere that feels peaceful, beautiful and spiritual to you both.

Here are some meaningful questions to ask each other this week, as suggested in the book Eight Dates:

• “What carries you through your most difficult times?”
• In your childhood, how did your family honor the sacred, or did they not and how did that make you feel? Were they religious, and if so, how did they practice?”
• “How have you changed in your spirituality or religious beliefs over the course of your life?”
• “What spiritual beliefs do you want to pass on to our kids?”

No matter what your beliefs (even if they differ from your partner’s), it’s important that you each understand and respect each other’s values and belief systems. After all, they are a very important component of what makes each of you, you. 

What rituals would you like to implement with your partner?

Week 8: Dreams

Hi, friends! We made it — this is our LAST conversation (or “date”) of our Eight Dates Challenge! If you’ve stuck with us this far, BRAVO! We’re so happy you did (and I bet your relationship is, too!) and we want to hear from you all about how it went. 

But first, I encourage you to have this one final conversion. This one is all about really exploring each other’s inner worlds, goals, hopes and dreams.

This is perhaps one of the most important components to any healthy and successful relationship — continuing to be curious and asking about (and then wholeheartedly accepting) your partner’s dreams. 

This is so critical because “honoring your partner’s dreams is a potent way to express your care for someone because it shows a profound love… When each partner honors and supports the other’s dreams, everything else in the relationship gets easier because each person feels supported in being and becoming who they need and want to be” (Eight Dates, Pg. 202, 203). 

In essence, this is the process of supporting your partner in the journey to becoming his/her truest, most authentic self. What a beautiful gift you can each give each other. 

Conversation and Goals

On this date, you’ll probe each other about the dreams that are most important to you, and how you can best support one another in fulfilling those goals. It will be fascinating to see how many of your dreams match (as well as differ). Of course, the end-goal for this discussion is to come up with ways to help each other fulfill your greatest aspirations. Hold this date someplace that feels inspiring to each of you — a hilltop at sunset, the beach, on a walk around your favorite area, etc.

To get you started, here are some topics to discuss with each other, as laid out in the book Eight Dates:

• “Did you have any dreams for yourself as a child?”
• “Do you think your parents fulfilled their dreams?”
• “What is the dream you must want to fulfill and why is it so important to you?”
• “Is there an underlying purpose for fulfilling your dream?”

Thank you so much, couples, for following along and participating in this journey with us. We truly hope you’ve had FUN and that each week’s conversations have brought you closer to each other emotionally, mentally and physically. 

Remember to keep the conversations with each other flowing throughout the course of your relationship! 

As always, we’d love to hear how this conversation went for you — along with all the others! Please leave a comment below ~

See Also:

• Infertility and Your Relationship
• Practical Advice to Pandemic Proof Your Relationship

The post Eight Dates Challenge appeared first on Lucie's List.

We don’t necessarily need research to tell us how much stress that puts on a romantic relationship (and on families in general). As we near a new phase in the Coronavirus pandemic — hopefully a better one in which more people will be vaccinated and lives can get back to normal —  we decided it was high time to take a look at what’s happened with relationships. 

Love and Marriage Amidst the Coronavirus

For all intents and purposes, partners have been cooped up inside with each other and their kid(s) for a year now, and as it turns out, there’s a fine line between “quality time together” and “too much time together” (snort). Yes, all that family time can amount to a brutal look in the mirror. 

We recently asked how your relationships have fared since the start of the pandemic, and most of you said one of two things: either your relationship has been strengthened, or… it’s on the fritz.

If you fall into the latter camp, you’re not alone. According to the American Family Survey, “34% of married men and women report that the pandemic has increased stress in their marriage.” In addition, WebMD reports that the sale of online self-help divorce agreements increased by 34 percent during the spring of 2020 as compared to the previous year. And to think that we were first predicting a pandemic baby boom…  turns out #covidivorce is a real thing. 

Maybe none of this is very surprising.

After all, Covid has upended the very framework of our lives, forcing us to spend unprecedented amounts of time together and re-negotiate our individual and shared spaces (working from home together sounded so cute once upon a LONG time ago, way, way before the pandemic!), our boundaries, our roles and responsibilities within the home, our marriages, and the roles we play as parents.

Not to mention, when we don’t spend any time apart, we don’t get to “miss each other,” which is crucial for the health of relationships. As this NYT piece points out, when couples are together all the time, they have nothing left to say to each other — the thrill of being together goes away, as does the excitement and release of all those “feel good” brain chemicals that occur when couples reunite. 

Armed with this knowledge, we turned to relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman, of the Gottman Institute, to learn more about how to strengthen (and for some, perhaps, salvage) our romantic relationships… not just during times of stress — like the transition to new parenthood or throughout a global public health crisis — but always..

The Gottmans

The Gottmans have spent over 40 years studying relationships, and as such have a profound understanding of what goes into maintaining a healthy and long-lasting romantic partnership (as well as the main factors that contribute to a relationship’s demise…).

In this article, we’ll offer a quick overview of some of the Gottmans’ most salient theories, such as The Sound Relationship House, the difference between solvable and unsolvable problems and how to manage both, and why you want to keep the uber-damaging “Four Horsemen” out of your relationship.

Eight Dates

Later on this summer, we’ll be sharing the highlights from the Gottman’s latest book, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, which will give you inspiration for some amazing (and important) convos to have with your significant other… as well as set you up to take our Eight Conversations Challenge! (Get excited! More info on that coming soon… ) 

You needn’t buy the book to get the gist of what the “dates” entail, or to take our challenge. That said, it is a wealth of insight, so if any of this resonates with you, I encourage you to buy it or check it out from your local library to dig deeper.

Further, you can also check out this super informative video from Family Action Network about the Gottmans’ research and work with couples, as well as an overview of Eight Dates — or listen to Brené Brown’s interview with them on her podcast, Unlocking Us.

Feel free to read through the article in its entirety, or skip ahead to the sections that interest you most. JUMP TO: 

• The Sound Relationship House Theory
• Solvable Vs. Unsolvable Problems
• Happy Vs. Unhappy Relationships
• The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
• The Upcoming Eight Conversations Challenge!

Gottmans’ Tips for a Better Relationship

“Love is an action more than a feeling.”

Dr. John Gottman

According to the Gottmans, no matter how comfortable we get (and yeah, sometimes our long-term relationships do start to feel like our favorite cozy pair of worn-in sweats… ), we should never stop putting in the effort to really connect, honor, love and respect our partners.

This certainly feels more challenging after bringing children into the world, and all the stressors of parenthood + the pandemic can definitely increase tensions, stir up old and new animosities alike, and present novel challenges to work through. *Simply being aware of this — and knowing that every stage of parenthood is temporary, and your relationship is the foundation of your family — might prove helpful. 

The Sound Relationship House Theory

Like our actual homes, relationships must also be built upon a solid and durable foundation. Enter the Gottmans’ “Sound Relationship House Theory” — seven components (or levels) of a relationship’s “house” that make up a healthy, long-lasting partnership (visual below). When each level is strong and intact, it helps make challenging times — i.e. caring for a new baby, financial struggles, loss, health issues, a pandemic (!), etc. — easier to manage. 

Here’s a quick and dirty overview of what each level of the house means… 

1. Build Love Maps. This is the solid foundation upon which all the other levels of a relationship are built: How well do you really know your partner? According to the Gottman Institute, “Building Love Maps means asking the right questions to learn more about your partner.” 
   
   Never assume you know everything about your mate — especially because people are always changing and evolving over time. During the Eight Conversations Challenge this summer, you will be prompted to ask things like: What is your biggest fear in life? Have you ever tried to overcome it?
   
   You may be surprised by the answer… and the answer may change throughout the course of your lives. Each time you learn more about your partner, you can add it to your (literal or figurative) love map. Perhaps this is an upside to all the time at home together? It’s an opportunity to dig a little deeper with each other and strengthen your bond. 

2. Share Fondness and Admiration. What are the things you love and appreciate most about your partner? Tell him/her often! It feels good to hear why and how deeply you are loved, admired, cared for and respected. 

3. Turn Towards Instead of Away. It’s important to share your needs, as partners, and to work as you can to meet each other’s needs to the best of your abilities. The Gottmans call this — meeting the needs and desires of your partner —  “turning toward.”
   
   Each time you turn toward each other, rather than away, you strengthen your emotional connection as a couple and create a safe space of trust, mutual respect and love.

4. The Positive Perspective. Do you see the best in your partner? Does your partner see the best in you?
   
   Rather than focusing on all the less desirable aspects of your partner (i.e. he snores; she never folds the laundry; he interrupts you when you talk; etc.), the goal is to focus more on the things you love about him/her instead (make a list if you have to, and refer to it often!).
   
   We totally get it may be tough to focus on your partner’s positive traits right now as opposed to during more “normal” times; so much time together may have you feeling more irritated by your partner and annoyed by their habits. That said, if you really can’t think of any things you enjoy, admire or love about your partner, consider that a red flag. 

5. Manage Conflict. There will always be conflict in relationships, but that’s OK — managing conflict in a healthy manner is actually good for your relationship and can bring you to new levels of understanding and compromise. 

5. Make Life Dreams Come True. Do you aspire to sail around the world? Retire to an artist’s colony? A healthy partnership is one in which you can share your innermost desires and life goals with each other without fear of judgement; and knowing you’ll support each other in achieving your aspirations builds mutual trust and respect.
6. Create Shared Meaning. This is the top floor of the relationship house. Similar to the foundation of the house in which you get to know each other deeply on an individual level, on this floor, you “build and understand an inner world as a couple.” This is where you determine what’s meaningful to you as a couple, what kind of life you want to lead together, and what shared goals you have.
   
   Hold this floor near and dear to your heart, and refer back to it often… this will remind you of all the things you love about your partner and relationship, and that your union is strong enough to withstand even the toughest of challenges. 

Solvable vs. Unsolvable Problems… and Gridlock

There is always going to be a level of conflict in your relationship. There’s no getting around that fact. And with all the various stressors and concentrated time together due to Covid and general parenthood, that level has been severely heightened for many couples. 

The key is to understand the difference between what the Gottmans refer to as solvable versus unsolvable (or perpetual) problems. 

Like the name implies, a solvable problem is an issue that can be solved — it doesn’t carry any deeper meaning, it is only about the circumstance at hand. For instance, you may feel frustrated that you’re always the one to take out the garbage while your partner never even offers. As irritating as this is, it’s a problem that can be solved. It’s the kind of thing you can talk about and come to an agreement on. 

Unsolvable, perpetual problems are trickier because they arise from fundamental differences in your personalities and/or lifestyle needs — and big stressors, such as the pandemic or having a new baby, may exacerbate a couple’s perpetual problems. Unlike solvable problems, perpetual problems are “here to stay.” And though they cannot be solved, they can be managed. 

Some common perpetual problems are differences in:

• neatness and organization, 
• activity level, 
• religious beliefs,
• attitudes and thoughts on spending and budgeting,
• sociability/social commitments, and 
• how to raise and discipline children.

Every couple faces its own perpetual problems that cause recurring arguments. In fact, the Gottmans say that 69% of marital conflicts stem from perpetual problems. What’s important is to accept and manage them, as opposed to becoming gridlocked over them. 

Raise your hand if you and your partner keep having the same fight over and over again. That’s gridlock.

You can avoid it by understanding that even though perpetual problems will rear their heads on occasion, if you talk about them, you’ll have a better understanding of each other’s position and needs. The goal shouldn’t be to get rid of your perpetual problems, but to acknowledge them and manage them in a healthy way. Or, as the Gottmans say, “to ‘declaw’ the issue, to try to remove the hurt so the problem stops being a source of great pain.”

Indicators of Happy Relationships vs. Unhappy Relationships

According to the Gottmans’ research, an important factor that determines if a relationship will succeed or fail, is how the couple talks about one another and their relationship. 

It should come as no surprise that couples who talk more positively about each other and their union fare better. The Gottmans say that “couples who are most likely to have happy marriages show the following positive qualities and characteristics when they think and talk about their relationship”: 

• Fondness, Affection, Admiration — i.e. positive affect, emphasize the good times as opposed to the bad times; compliment each other; etc.;
• We-ness vs. Separateness — They use words like we, us, or our, as opposed to I, me, and mine; 
• Expansiveness vs. Withdrawal — Couples can describe past shared memories vividly and with enthusiasm and energy;  
• Glorifying the Struggle — Couples express pride in the challenges they’ve overcome together rather than expressing hopelessness over their hardships — surviving the pandemic, and all the havoc it may have wreaked on your individual lives and relationship, will certainly be one such struggle you should feel proud to have overcome together.

The flip side of this is that the Gottmans also say that when couples express negative feelings about each other or their relationship (both verbally, like through sarcasm, and through non-verbal cues, such as eye rolling, ignoring, etc.) the relationship is likely to be deteriorating. This is important to look out for — both in your own thoughts, words and actions, as well as your partner’s. 

The Four Horsemen: Gottmans’ Predictors of Marriage Separation or Divorce 

Earlier in their career, The Gottmans observed couples arguing in their “Love Lab” and then continued to follow those same couples’ relationships over time. This led to an interesting discovery — the more times a couple displayed the negative communication patterns of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling with each other, the higher its chances of eventually separating or divorcing. Thus, they coined these communication behaviors the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” 

To learn even more about the Four Horsemen and how they can show up in your relationship, check out this video (below):

Bottom Line

Maintaining a healthy, happy and close relationship takes a lot of effort — especially when life gets stressful.

In the last year, the daily monotony of working and spending all our time at home (together!) has wiped away much of the excitement, anticipation, romance, adventure and intimacy many of us may have enjoyed in our pre-pandemic relationship. Add to that our kids being home with us much of that time, too, and, well… let’s just say the quality time (and energy) we once had for connecting with each other may not be as strong. 

Our hope is that in learning about and implementing some of the Gottmans’ foundational theories on what makes a healthy relationship, you’ll experience more excitement, energy, romance and happiness in your own romantic relationship. 

Good luck and stay tuned!

~ Marissa

The post Practical Advice to Pandemic-Proof Your Relationship appeared first on Lucie's List.

Don’t fret, though. We’re here to help. As a team of moms ourselves, we’ve culled together our most favorite, flattering, well-fitting and dare I say SEXY post-nursing bras for you! 

Before you get started, though, take a moment to determine your bra size. Here are some tips on how to do this.  

Once you know your correct cup and band size, let the shopping fun begin! 

Alright mamas — here’s our list of what we think are the best, most comfortable bras out there. We hope you find your new “just right” bra here. Good luck!  

Lively Bralette ~ $38

Great coverage and support, and a sleek design that will make you feel good and oh-so-sexy. ~ Charlene

True & Co Triangle Convertible Strap Bra ~ $44

A bra that feels literally like second skin. It’s honestly the most comfortable bra I’ve ever owned. Plus, they have a wide range of sizes — for small-chested women (hiiiii!) to busty ladies (I recommended it to friends with bigger breasts, and they love it too!).
~ Charlene

SOMA Lace Racerback Bralette ~ $48 

Love the sexy and sweet lacey racerback. *Runs large. ~ Meg

Wacoal ~ $ Price Varies

While I haven’t personally tried Wacoal bras, they have a great selection and they make all the “best bra” lists. ~ Charlene

Natori ~ Price Varies

Natori bras are my go-to. This brand fits well, holds up in the wash and lasts forever. ~ Meg

^^I second this. I’ve had so much success with Natori bras. They are comfortable, pretty and look nice under all my clothes. My most favorite is the Natori Understated Underwire T-Shirt Bra (~$70). ~ Marissa

ThirdLove ~ $30-$80

Great for women who have an odd size or are between sizes; you’d be surprised at what a proper-fitting half size can do for ya! ~ Meg

Pepper ~ $38-$54

For women with small breasts or who may have lost a cup or two after pregnancy and nursing (it happens more than you think).
~ Charlene

There you have it, ladies — our favorite, most comfortable bras for moms. We hope we’ve helped you find your perfect post-pregnancy and/or breastfeeding bra, because there’s truly nothing like a flattering, well-fitting bra to make you feel confident, sexy and beautiful. And if you have any favorites that aren’t listed, please share them with us in the comments below. 

Happy bra shopping!

The post Best, Most Comfortable Bras for Moms appeared first on Lucie's List.

Of course, we aren’t surprised by this. We live in a society that promotes, expects and celebrates the perfect female body… but those idealistic expectations and pursuits can persist even after a woman has a baby. From all the “perfect images” of new moms on social media to unrealistic movie and television portrayals of postpartum women to slimmed down pics of our favorite celebs in gossip mags mere weeks after they gave birth, women are literally inundated with messages about the importance (and ease?) of “bouncing back after baby.” 

I remember just a few weeks after giving birth to my firstborn, I was flipping through a People magazine and saw an article praising a female celebrity for being back to her pre-baby body weight shortly after giving birth, and I felt instantly defeated. 

Not only was I nowhere near looking like I did before pregnancy, but I was also completely sleep deprived and constantly tending to and nursing my fussy newborn… I couldn’t fathom getting off the couch, let alone working out. Not to mention, when I looked down at my body, all I could see was a poochy belly with excess, saggy skin, stretch marks and newfound skin problems (hello, adult acne!). 

Simply put, my body felt so foreign and odd. I didn’t recognize myself. 

The reality is pregnancy changes our bodies (and brains!) in a variety of ways, and having realistic expectations about that is important. Our skin stretches, some of us (myself included) experience abdominal muscle separation (diastasis recti), our hips widen, our bones get bigger, our breasts change density and shape, our feet grow (!!)…  Shall I go on?   

And though this is all supposed to happen — our bodies have to expand and shift in profound ways to develop, make room for and grow another human — many of us can’t help but feel frustrated, insecure and even ashamed about the way our bodies look after we give birth. 

“Ask any new mom who’s been there and they will verify that this stage is a tough one, filled with endless self-doubt… It’s so hard to be in this place of wanting to feel confident, wanting to regain some sort of control in your newly out-of-control existence, only to feel like a frumpy version of your once-fabulous self.”

~ Carla Korn, LMFT, a therapist who specializes in eating disorders and body image (find her blog here)

Becoming a mom, like any transition in life, can be hard on the body and the mind. The postpartum period comes with so many unknowns, and it may feel like you don’t have any control over your body (and perhaps in your new role as a mom), but please try to remember: you have the power to make a healthy shift in your mindset and life. 

In this article, we’ll address some of the root causes of negative postpartum body image, as well as offer tips to help you feel better right now. Whether you believe it or not, your body doesn’t need to conform to unrealistic standards — it is amazing and beautiful and unique, and we want to help you learn to accept, honor and love it. 

Contributors to Postpartum Body Shame

Media & Cultural Expectations

We are constantly being bombarded by cultural expectations of how our bodies should look. Take a second to scroll through your social media feed, peruse any pop culture website or magazine, or think about all the products that exist to help you “lose weight quickly.” Society places an insane emphasis on thinness and physical appearance — the “perfect body.”

Of course, everyone knows a woman must gain weight in order to grow a healthy baby, so expectant women are exempt from the expectation of thinness. But, sadly, that respite doesn’t last long after the baby is born. Indeed, we’re somehow led to believe that we should be able to quickly lose the baby weight and fit back into our pre-pregnancy wardrobe. 

This message is unrealistic, highly damaging and outright dangerous, as it leads so many new moms to feel like failures (how can we not do this thing we are supposed to do? Losing the baby weight should be simple! All the celeb moms can do it…) and like “less than” versions of their former selves. For some new moms, it can trigger deep feelings of disgust and self-loathing every time they look in the mirror, and, in certain circumstances, may also lead to postpartum depression. 

“If you’re struggling to accept what you see reflected in the mirror, understand that that [feeling] is not your fault. Acknowledge that you’ve likely grown up in a culture that values women primarily for aesthetics and has very narrow ideas about female appearance… At a time when the focus should really be on health and the major adjustment ahead, society adds this layer of self-consciousness to all that you’re already managing.”

~ Kate Borsato, RCC, a therapist who specializes in helping new moms transition to motherhood

Feelings of Insecurity, Loss and Uncertainty in Transition to New Motherhood

The negative feelings you may experience about your postpartum body could be about more than just your physical appearance. The loss of a woman’s pre-baby body (the body you’ve gotten used to and known since becoming a woman) is tangible, visible evidence (and a reminder) that her life and identity has changed significantly, and that can feel incredibly scary, isolating and overwhelming. 

According to the NYT, the body is symbolic. “For many new mothers, a struggle with body image is intertwined with the desire to reclaim parts of themselves that have been pushed aside by the physical and emotional demands of new parenthood. Have compassion for yourself as you go through this identity transition, and be as gentle with your own body as you are with your baby’s.”

Many new moms, myself included, struggle with this transition to new motherhood. As therapist Michelle Malloy, explains, the many changes women face after having a baby can “hit like a ton of bricks.” I remember crying hysterically after my first was born because my husband abruptly stopped calling me “hottie” — the nickname he’d given me the day we met — and started calling me “mommy” instead. It made me feel like he no longer saw me as sexy or desirable, and instead, my identity was now only that of “mom.” 

More often than not, a baby can change your relationship with your partner. You may feel less romantic, more resentful (especially if you’re the one consistently getting up in the middle of the night with the baby… ), and less connected emotionally and physically. 

There’s also the loss in autonomy and independence. After a baby arrives, a woman’s time doesn’t truly belong to her anymore (her baby’s schedule likely dictates her own!). Not to mention the major changes (often losses) many women experience in their careers. 

History of Disordered Eating and Distorted Body Image

Michelle also says that a strong predictor of negative body image after pregnancy is negative body image before pregnancy, as well as a history of disordered eating. 

In addition, for many women who have worked hard to gain control over an eating disorder or unhealthy body image concerns, the hyper-focus on one’s body and weight during pregnancy, as well as the necessary pregnancy weight-gain, may trigger a relapse. 

According to the National Eating Disorder Association, “the incessant counting, comparing, and measuring that happens during those nine months and beyond can tap into some of the very vulnerabilities that are linked to eating disorders and food and weight obsessions.”

Protective Measures to Take During Pregnancy

Have Realistic Expectations 

Our bodies don’t miraculously transform back to their pre-baby versions once we give birth — this is a fact we just have to accept. That’s one of the reasons we tell readers that when packing their hospital bags, they should bring loose-fitting and/or maternity clothes to wear home, as they’ll still look about 6 months (give or take) pregnant. Understand that this is normal and healthy. Rather than focusing on appearance, Michelle tells her patients to focus on how they feel instead. 

Change your Wardrobe 

Moms, again, you aren’t going to magically fit into your pre-baby wardrobe after delivery. It takes months for your body to return to some form of normalcy, if ever.

You will likely go through an awkward period of not knowing what to wear. Meg remembers walking into a department store about three months after delivering and having NO idea what she needed, wanted or what would even fit. When an associate asked her what she was looking for, she replied, “I don’t even know anymore.”

While investing in pieces that you see as temporary might not feel like a great use of money, it’s super important to have some nice things to wear that make you feel comfortable and confident.

It’s okay to buy some new maternity and nursing clothes, or loose and flowy clothing that flatters your body.

Our guide to nursing wear includes many economical pieces for the postpartum time period.

Have fun with this! Michelle encourages women to forget about their pre-pregnancy clothes (buh bye jeans, hello maxi dresses and elastic band pants).

She also suggests doing something fun and exciting — like Rent the Runway — so you can consistently change up your pregnancy and post-pregnancy wardrobe (and always have stylish, new clothes that fit you well) without having to actually commit to buying anything. 

Mindfulness Activities 

If you find yourself so preoccupied with your weight gain (or fear about not being able to lose the weight after you have the baby), try some deep breathing techniques and mindfulness exercises. Apps like Calm, Headspace and MamaZen are great for this. Journaling and writing about your concerns may also be a good way to let them out.

Speak Up

I swear, people are fascinated by pregnant women — it’s like we’re an alien species that humans can’t believe they get to see up close and in real life. When I was pregnant, I was shocked by the amount of complete strangers who found it totally acceptable to comment on or want to touch my round belly.

If people around you — friends, family, strangers, etc. — are constantly talking about or focused on your body and it’s making you uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to tell them to stop. Michelle encourages women to simply say, “Please stop making comments about my body.”

Ask for Help

If these tips aren’t working for you and you are still worried about how you might feel about your body after you give birth, don’t be ashamed to seek professional help. Being proactive now will help you (and your baby) tenfold in the long run. 

How to Love, Honor and Appreciate your Post-Pregnancy Body

You’ve had your baby and are struggling with feeling confident, comfortable and happy in your new body. It’s okay — remember that you’re not alone, and it’s truly not your fault you feel this way. But it is your responsibility — for you and your baby — to take the necessary steps to feel better.   

The following tips, many of which come from our expert, Michelle, can help you begin to love, honor and respect your new body today. 

Ditch the scale.

Michelle tells all her clients to throw away the scale. “The only reason you need a scale is to weigh luggage,” she says. “And no one’s going anywhere these days anyway!” Your medical provider will weigh you at your postnatal visits, and if there’s a problem, he/she will tell you. 

Stop body checking.

“Cover up the mirror if you have to,” urges Michelle. Spending time in front of the mirror judging and berating yourself is a huge waste of time and energy.

Toss out the magazines.

Open any magazine and you’ll see distorted and unrealistic presentations of women. Michelle wants people to keep in mind that celebrities have access to services, such as fitness trainers, in-home chefs, healthy meal delivery, round-the-clock childcare etc., that the average person doesn’t. 

It’s not helpful or fair to compare yourself to them and feel badly that your postpartum body doesn’t look like theirs. Not to mention, they also may be doing things to lose weight that aren’t healthy — skipping meals, taking diet pills, etc. If you want to change your body, do it to be healthier, feel stronger, and have a better mindset mentally and physically. “Skinny doesn’t equal healthy,” reminds Michelle.

Quit the Social Media Comparison Game (or just quit social media!).

Social media is a tricky platform that really complicates the issue: on the one hand, many moms and influencers claim to portray a more “realistic” representation of motherhood and of what the postpartum body looks like.

As women share their postpartum journey, Instagram, for instance, becomes a space where women can relate, feel less alone in their struggles, and build a strong sense of community with fellow new moms. But on the other hand, it can be difficult to differentiate sponsored content from “regular” content, and the “realistic” portrayal of motherhood is still often curated, filtered and beautified. Not to mention, in most cases, it doesn’t quite reflect the experience most of us have in those early days/weeks/months of postpartum, which is normal — just like pregnancy, every mom’s postpartum journey is unique. 

As such, a search for connection that relies so heavily on pictures is a slippery slope towards yet another pervasive and damaging game of comparison that sets women up to once again feel badly about themselves and their postpartum bodies — this time with “real” women whom you think are sharing their “real” and “raw” pregnancy and postpartum journey.  

Remember… social media, these days, is often just another advertising platform that reaches directly in your living room, while you are nursing your baby or trying to take a nap. You don’t know what really goes on behind those filtered, “trying not to look posed, but posed” images. That mama may also be experiencing some negative feelings about her changes, but may be putting on a face for the camera and the sake of her grid. 

Talk to yourself the way you’d want your child to talk to him/herself.

Here’s a good piece of advice from an article in the NYT: “If you ever berate yourself, stop and ask whether you would want your child to speak to herself that way. Use your relationship with your body image as an indicator that you may need to learn how to be less critical and more patient with yourself and others.”

Switch your frame of mind.

When you find yourself feeling upset about or ashamed of your body, do your best to try to change your thinking.

Your belly is larger because you brought a baby into the world — that’s a superpower, mama! The marks on your skin — stretch marks, dark spots, etc. — those are badges of honor you can wear proudly; you did the hard work of growing and birthing a baby. You’re incredible. 

Letters of gratitude to your body.

Research shows that the exercise of writing letters of thanks and gratitude to your body may help you feel more compassionate and loving towards your body and all its functions. 

Being present in the moment.

When your negative self body image prevents you from doing the things you normally would, or want to do — such as meeting a friend for lunch or going on a date with your husband — because you’re uncomfortable with the way you look, this is a red flag. It’s important to continue to live your life no matter what you think about your body. Michelle has her clients repeat the following mantra to themselves: “I will not let my feelings about my body stop me from enjoying my life.” I encourage you to try it also. Not to mention, going out there and talking to your friends may be a great way to realize you are not the only one going through this. 

Health first.

When you do start up with an exercise or nutrition program, make sure to focus on health — not weight loss — and set healthy and realistic goals for yourself. Michelle urges her clients not to join programs that advocate being thin or cutting calories, but rather supportive programs that promote a healthy, balanced lifestyle. 

Also, if you’ve had any abdominal separation (diastasis recti), you’ll want to check with your doctor before beginning a program, and seek the help of a physical therapist or find an exercise program that’s well versed in the unique needs of postpartum women. Several moms I know have had positive experiences with the MUTU System, Every Mother and the Bloom Method.

Seek professional help.

If you are struggling to manage your negative feelings about your body and it’s preventing you from caring for yourself, your baby and living your life, it’s time to seek professional help from a therapist and/or a dietician well-versed in postpartum health and body image concerns. Postpartum Support International is a great way to find a therapist in your area trained in maternal mental health.

Bottom Line

Though it may feel challenging at first — and even if you have to fake it ‘til you make it — the more you are able to practice self-love and acceptance, the more likely you will be to eventually really, truly believe in your worth and feel proud of yourself and your body.

I encourage you to offer yourself as much grace, respect, love and appreciation as you would your best friend. After all, your body has just done a miraculous thing: it has literally grown an entire human being all from a single cell. How amazing! Take a minute to let that sink in. Feel proud of yourself, and your strong, incredible body — look at all the things it can do. 

So though you may not feel your best right now, please offer yourself compassion — in fact, go ahead and mother yourself the same way you mother your new baby — and know that just as our lives evolve, so too do our our bodies. From pre- to post-pregnancy, your body has undergone an incredible evolution, and it will continue to transform as your life moves on. 

Do your best to accept and honor your body exactly where it is today. You have all the permission in the world to let the shame and negative feelings go… you don’t need them. Focus instead on your health and wellbeing, and that new bundle of joy that you created. 

Post-Pregnancy Body Image Resources

Is that Mom in the Mirror Really Me? — New York Times

Postpartum Body Image Issue: How to Feel Better in Your Body Today — Crystal Kargas Nutrition

3 Timely Tips to Challenge Your Postpartum Body Shame — Carla Korn, LMFT

Predictors of Mothers’ Postpartum Body Dissatisfaction — Women Health. 2009 Sep; 49(6): 491–504. doi: 10.1080/03630240903423998

Pregnancy and Body Image — Office on Women’s Health

Your Body Isn’t The Same After Baby, and That’s Okay — The Every Mom

What Moms Need to Know About Postpartum Eating Disorders — Healthline

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The childhood anxiety and depression that began with Covid – and, for many kiddos, still persists – is very real (just ask any child psychotherapist). 

To be clear, kids are resilient, and they prove their adaptability every single day. But they are also not immune to the challenges and big emotions that come with the pandemic (i.e. lack of in-person socialization, inability to read social cues due to wearing masks, fear of getting sick, etc.) and every other hardship we’ve faced since 2020 (and before). In fact, they hear and see more than we know, and feel things more deeply than we realize.

If you’ve noticed anxiety and depression in your child(ren) since the start of the pandemic, you’re not alone. 

Perhaps you have a kiddo who has always struggled with anxiety and/or depression (or other mental health concerns) and the pandemic exacerbated his or her symptoms, or maybe you have a child who has never struggled before, but over the last couple of months or years has started showing signs of sadness or distress. 

Either way, we’re here to help.

My Story

Up until Thanksgiving of 2020, our then 8-year-old daughter seemed to handle the many changes that came along with the pandemic with so much resilience and flexibility. When she started at a new school in the fall, she wore her mask without complaints, and she even managed to make friends despite all the social distancing and other pandemic measures. But right around Thanksgiving, our school shifted back to remote learning due to the high COVID case count in our community. 

Though she first seemed to manage her daily zoom class schedule well and independently, I noticed a discernible change as the weeks dragged on. Her normally boisterous energy levels dropped significantly, until I could hardly recognize our normally happy, sociable, easygoing daughter. Some days, she felt too tired to get from her bed to her desk, and she even refused to leave the house to go play.

I was worried, but I chalked it up to the difficulty of remote learning, and also staring at a screen for 7 hours a day. When our school announced we’d be heading back into the classroom in January, we were all so excited! I figured being in class and around peers, as opposed to on a screen, would cheer her up. 

But after one day back in class, she came home from school early with a “tummy ache,” which turned out to be anxiety from her overwhelming feelings of worry, grief and sadness. She burst into tears and finally let it out to me: she missed her old school, her old friends… her old life. Too much had changed, and she just wanted things to go back to normal. She told me that it’s like her brain has all these blue dots on it, and the dots are all her worries and sad feelings, and she doesn’t know how to make them go away. 

Hearing these words from my daughter broke my heart — and felt all too familiar. I too struggle with anxiety, and I too have a lot of blue dots floating in my brain. I too miss my old life. So I can relate more than she knows, besides feeling her sadness and loss so very deeply.

As I thought a bit more about what she told me, I realized that her old school represented her pre-pandemic life. Up until March of 2020, when the world shut down, she was a normal kid who could intermingle with her entire class, eat in the lunchroom with friends, play freely on the playground with pals at recess, go on field trips, attend school assemblies, and so on. Her new school, which she started in the midst of the pandemic, was a clear representation of Covid-life: where she wears a mask, has her temperature checked every day, eats lunch at her desk (alone), and so many other restrictions that have taken all the fun out of her daily life.  

As I began thinking about how to address this properly and work through these feelings with my own daughter, I realized that this is a huge problem for families everywhere. Kids all over are struggling with this strange, new and restrictive life that’s also filled with new worries. Their little minds and bodies may be overrun by so many big feelings that they don’t know how to process, express or solve. 

I know my family isn’t alone in this struggle; my hope with this article is to help you and your child breathe a little easier today.  

A Child’s Pandemic Experience 

As we’ve discussed, no matter how old your children are right now, just like you, they too may still be overcoming the trauma of the loss of socialization they’ve experienced during this time period, even if things are getting back to normal(ish). 

As a result of intermittent school closures, bouts of remote learning, fear of catching or spreading germs, and physical distancing, our children missed so many of their regular opportunities for social development and growth.

Devoid of playdates, family visits, and in-person school for so long, preschool and elementary school-aged children have been less able to practice important, developmentally-appropriate skills like sharing, taking turns, working through differences with peers, etc.; and older kids who thrive off their social interactions have been feeling increasingly lonely and isolated, which was starting to become a huge problem for teens even before this pandemic.

Add to all this the lack of time with extended family and support systems (grandparents, cousins, etc.), the stress of absorbing caregivers’ feelings about changes to everyday life, and you’ve got yourself the perfect recipe for our children to experience actual trauma (of course, trauma is on a spectrum, and some children’s traumas will be more severe than others. Some kids may have lost a loved one to COVID or have a parent who’s lost a job; others are experiencing food or housing insecurity or are in abusive or otherwise unhealthy homes, etc.). 

All this said, there are things we can do — both for ourselves and our children — to prevent long-lasting anxiety, depression and overarching negative feelings.

First, let’s discuss the signs and symptoms you should look for to determine if your child might be struggling with mental health concerns.

Signs and Symptoms of Anxiety and Depression in Children by Age — Overview 

Though your younger kiddos may not be truly aware of the pandemic and what’s going on in the world, they could still be displaying signs of anxiety due to changes in routine, absorbing caregivers’ stress and anxiety, and/or the overall mood in the household.   

For example, my friend’s kids overheard her talking on the phone to a friend whose dad had just died of Covid. They later asked her questions about death, who was about to die, when will they die, and so on. These things are hard to hide from our kids — they hear and absorb so much more than we think!

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Anxiety Symptoms in Toddlers

• Changes in eating, sleeping and “normal” (for your child) behavioral patterns;
• Increased fussiness;
• More difficult to console;
• Separation anxiety when caregivers leave the house or when being dropped off at daycare, preschool, etc.;
• Potty accidents (for those who are potty trained);
• More aggressive behavior than usual.

For a more extensive list of recognizing anxiety in toddlers, check out this resource from Parents.com, as well as this article from PsychCentral.

Anxiety Symptoms in School-aged Children

• Changes in social behavior — i.e. kids who have always enjoyed being social no longer wanting to see friends or leave the house;
• Children not wanting to come out of their rooms or engage with caregivers, siblings, etc.;
• Excess worrying; 
• Feeling sad, irritable, helpless or hopeless;
• Changes in energy level — suddenly sluggish, tired all the time, low energy;
• Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities;
• Loss of interest in school and schoolwork; 
• Falling behind in school; 
• Hard time falling or staying asleep;
• Unexplained tummy aches, headaches, or other physical problems;
• Feelings of worthlessness;
• Changes in appetite.

For a more extensive list of the signs of depression in children, take a look at The Signs of Depression During the Pandemic from the Child Mind Institute. 

According to Child Mind Institute, if any of these symptoms persist for more than two weeks, they definitely need to be addressed (suggestions on ways to do this below). However, if the symptoms are more fleeting in nature — present for a day or two, say, and then gone — it may be less of a concern, and more momentary or situational.

Here’s a good rule of thumb, according to Child Mind Institute and clinical psychologist Dr. Mark Reinecke, PhD: “If you see them, take note. If they last, take action.” 

Ways to Help

If you’ve determined that your child is struggling with anxiety, depression, or other mental health concerns, what should you do?

First of all, take a deep breath. Yes, you. If your child is struggling, chances are pretty high that you are too. 

Second, you can feel reassured by the fact that, according to this article in USA Today, “…unless a child is experiencing toxic stress [toxic stress, which can be experienced at any time, not just during the pandemic, is defined as “…severe in its strength and chronic in its duration and happens without a buffering relationship…”], they probably will recover well and may even build resiliency that will serve them in the long run.”

The simple act of reading this article means that you care and you likely serve as that “buffering relationship,” which is so imperative to your child’s mental health and wellbeing. 

Here are several other specific ways you can support your child:

Keep Things Consistent

• Maintain household consistency, routines and familiarity as much as possible. There is so much uncertainty in the world right now, but keeping things as predictable and consistent as possible at home will go a long way in creating a sense of safety and normalcy for your child. For example, keep a morning routine, where everyone wakes up, eats breakfast, brushes their teeth, gets dressed, etc. — even if you have nothing to get dressed for.
  
• Set a time and create a safe space at home for you and your child to check in with each other regularly (daily, if possible) — without distractions (phones, email, siblings, etc.). Just that 1:1 time will help your child know she is supported, cared for and loved — this alone will help (this is also part of creating and strengthening that protective “buffering relationship” mentioned above). These check-ins can be as long or short as your child needs them to be — even a quick 3-minute conversation is better than nothing. 

Be a Sounding Board 

• Listen without judgement and take your child’s feelings seriously.
• Validate your child’s feelings without trying to “fix” their problems for them. 
• Similarly, resist the urge to say “it’s OK.” It sounds good, yes, but in reality, things don’t feel OK for your child right now. Saying “it’s OK” may sound like you’re diminishing your child’s feelings and experience. Instead, you can offer a warm hug, an empathetic nod and something along the lines of, “I hear what you’re saying. I know what you’re going through is really hard. I’m always here for you. I love you.” 

Physical Activity and Fun

• Encourage your child to stay physically active, even if s/he doesn’t feel like it. If your child plays soccer, try your best to keep her going to practices and games. Or just take your child outside to kick the ball around. If they enjoy a good dance party, lower the lights, blast the music, and get grooving together!
• Go outside at any opportunity you can. Yes, you can (and should) still stay active outside on the coldest of days.
• Don’t forget to HAVE FUN! Sometimes, our mood is so serious and we totally forget to loosen up a bit. Having fun together as a family does wonders for everyone’s moods. Whether it’s the aforementioned dance party, taking the afternoon to go sledding and drink hot chocolate or playing a fun game together like Pictionary or charades, making time for silliness and fun will create warm, positive feelings and memories, which we all need right about now.

Mindfulness and Gratitude 

• Practicing mindfulness can help, and here are some great ways to implement that into your children’s routine. In addition, there are so many great apps out there, like Calm and Headspace, that can help kids learn how to breathe deeply, stay in the moment, and accept and tolerate feelings of uncertainty.
• Adopt an attitude of gratitude. One idea is at the beginning or end of each day, have your family go around and name 3 things they feel grateful for. Research shows that focusing on what we’re grateful for, rather than what we’re unhappy about, can actually help improve our mood and overall health and wellbeing. 

Understanding and Combating Worry

• Help your children understand how worrying works. Lynn Lyons, LICSW offers really useful tips (and tons of other things related to children and anxiety) on her website and in her podcast, Flusterclux. When kids understand why their symptoms are occurring (i.e. tummy aches, headaches, low energy, etc.), they tend to feel less anxious about them and more powerful and in control of their bodies.
• Have your children name their worry or depression… and then yell at it whenever it shows up. My daughter’s worry is called “Mr. Mean Pants,” and she has my full permission to yell and scream at him whenever he appears. Doing this externalizes the feelings of worry and depression — they are NOT a part of your children — and helps kids understand that THEY are the bosses of their brains and bodies… not their worries, intrusive thoughts, and/or depression. 
• Help your kids challenge their negative or self-destructive thoughts. For some amazing tips on how to do this, check out Social Emotional Workshop and Mindful Little Minds. 

Be a Good Role Model

• Be aware of how you discuss the pandemic and your own anxieties and frustrations in front of your kids. Children are sponges, and no matter how hard we try to shield our own feelings of fear, anxiety and depression from them, they pick up on everything. This isn’t necessarily bad, as long as we share our feelings with them in a constructive way. 
  
  According to the National Association of School Psychologists, “It is very important to remember that children look to adults for guidance on how to react to stressful events. (…) This is also a tremendous opportunity for adults to model for children problem-solving, flexibility, and compassion as we all work through adjusting daily schedules (…) and connecting and supporting friends and family members in new ways.” 

Reach Out for Help

• Always reach out to your pediatrician with any questions or concerns you may have about your child’s physical and mental health. 
• Find a children’s therapist for your child — every kid (and adult!) can benefit from having someone to talk to and acquiring tools and tricks to work through struggles and painful feelings and experiences.

For more guidance on how to support your children during this challenging time, check out this guide for helping kids’ manage Covid anxiety, as well as this helpful report from Child Trends entitled, Resources for Supporting Children’s Emotional Well-being during the COVID-19 Pandemic

Bottom Line

If you think your child’s mental health may be suffering due to the pandemic, you’re not imagining it, and you’re definitely not alone.

Our children’s lives have been completely uprooted, and all the “normal” ways in which kids traditionally learn, gain independence, engage with peers and develop helpful coping mechanisms and overall life skills have wildly shifted as well.  

But (!!!), with our awareness and support, we can help our kids manage (and even thrive) during this very difficult time (and any difficult times to come). According to this article in USA Today, “Experts underscore a child’s best buffer during the pandemic is a supportive parent.” 

Parents, it is also incredibly important that you take good care of yourselves, too; you must put on your own oxygen mask before you can assist others. And remember, this is temporary. As I reminded my own daughter just last night, this too shall pass. I don’t know exactly when or how, but it will. And we will all be together (perhaps even hugging?) on the other side when it does.

Helpful Resources about Childhood Anxiety and Depression During Covid

• Lynn Lyons, LICSW — podcast Flusterclux

• Child Mind Institute

• Child Mind Institute — Coping With the Coronavirus Crisis: Supporting Your Kids

• HealthyChildren.org

• Mayo Clinic

• USA TODAY — Experts say this is what children need to survive the COVID-19 pandemic

• How COVID-19 Could Affect Kids’ Long-Term Social Development

• Will the Pandemic Socially Stunt My Kid?

• Toddlers to Teens: How to Help Kids Cope with Stress from Covid-19

The post Helping Children Manage Anxiety & Depression During Covid appeared first on Lucie's List.